i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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