What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
