Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My bed smells like the plague
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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