Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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