turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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