I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize