My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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