Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
