We're facebook friends in real life
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i drank out of a bidet.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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