I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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