2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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