I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
