i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize