I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am available for nakedness
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
