pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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