Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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