I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
