this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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