my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
try to milk me bitch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
