I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
