There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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