i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
