this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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