Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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