no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
