You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
