Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
