I think im going to throw up on grandma
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
