i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
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