Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
