Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
