dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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