he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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