Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
