positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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