You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My life is pants optional.
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