My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
