I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
