I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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