P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
