I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
