Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
