I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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