He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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