I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
