I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
