I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
