new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
