I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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