True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
