I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
