In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
