Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
