so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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