I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
