Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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