I skipped work to stalk him.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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