____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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