FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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