your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
