Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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