I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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