My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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