I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We were destined to go to rehab together
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
