In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
