Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
