I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
